* Happy Holidays *

Photo courtesy of Laughing Elephant

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

x o x o x o

x o x o x o

I just wanted to share this little image I found on the web with you. Such a clever little design! I hope that everyone is having a nice weekend. I feel pretty humbled this year. I got the best present I could ever ask for: my scans came back clear! I'm done with treatment and my health is restored. I have the greatest love of my life, Elijah, by my side.  My family is in good health as are my friends. I have to say, this is my Heaven on earth. I could not ask for more. I do not need anything more. Nothing is more precious than this moment.

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Photo courtesy of V magazine

"You can choose to believe in anything, and that includes believing in yourself."

-don Miguel Ruiz

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Polaroids by Lili

The Four Agreements

I recently read a clever little book called The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. It's a wonderful quick read about how you can start making choices to guide you to personal freedom. I found it wonderfully refreshing and practical for everything in life, even cancer. Here is a quick summary:

1) Be impeccable with your word

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.

2) Don't take anything personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.

3) Don't make assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.

4) Always do your best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

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Photo courtesy W magazine

"Go where the love is."

-Arlene Butler

The Beautiful Truth

Photo courtesy of Beautiful Truth website

I went and saw a very interesting movie tonight called The Beautiful Truth. It's about the Gerson Therapy and how it's cured many people who were written off as "lost causes". It was interesting to hear their stories and  learn about Dr. Gerson, described as "one of the most eminent geniuses in the history of medicine" by Dr. Albert Schweitzer. Another emphasis in the film was the importance of a good, healthy, organic diet and the importance of juicing. And while you get to hear about an alternative perspective to treating life-threatening diseases, you also get a plethora of information regarding the pharmaceutical companies, farming companies, and the overall medical view of treating disease in America. Definitely worth watching!

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Photo courtesy of Look NY Magazine

"Say it straight, simple, and with a smile."

-Yogi Tea quote 

Psssssst

After my 2nd cycle of chemo, my hair did indeed start to fall out. Not in big clumps, it was more like every time I ran my hands through my hair, I would have a bunch of strands between my fingers. I noticed that getting my hair wet when taking a shower only made more of it fall out, especially after washing it. So I decided to try using dry shampoo. I found a great one called Psssssst: Instant Spray Shampoo. No joke! No water needed! It looks like it's straight out of the 70's, but it works. So instead of washing my hair with water, I used Psssssst. I really feel like it helped my hair stay intact for as long as I could possibly keep it (4 cycles). This might not be for everyone, but hey, it's definitely worth a shot. (Note: only using Psssssst for 2 months and never washing my hair with real shampoo & water did leave a yellowish residue on my scalp. Needless to say, after shaving my head, it felt incredible to scrub my scalp and the residue came right off).

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Photo courtesy French Elle

"Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see..."

-John Lennon

Pretty Inspiring!

Photo courtesy of The Sartorialist

I was browsing through The Sartorialist when I came upon this lovely picture & quote:

"I was chit-chatting with Susan after I took this picture and mentioned that I thought her hair was sooo beautiful-her best feature. She said thanks and added that she had lost her hair once because of cancer. She now purposely keeps it long because she feels it is such a gift to have it back and, for her, a sign of life."

Love Yourself

Photo courtesy of Cheri Messerli

The Beatles knew what they were talking about when they sang "All You Need is Love." The ancient Chinese believed that the most powerful energy is white energy, or, love energy. Although "love" can be seen as a frilly word that we use to express intense emotion or feelings, we cannot underestimate it's healing powers. It is powerful beyond anything else, and if we can shed as much love on ourselves as we possibly can, our healing brightens. Let love in. Let it shine it's bright white energy through you and fill you up to the brim. 

I finished my very last treatment this past Thursday. It was humbling, liberating, exhilarating and  mostly, full of love. As I sat waiting for the last of the chemo to pass through the I.V. and through my veins, I couldn't help but look around me and see love everywhere. I honestly believe that love carried me through this ordeal, from the very beginning to the very last drop. I hope that you too can let it in and feel the brightening and lifting of your spirit. That is something cancer can never touch. 

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Photo courtesy of Barneys NY

"Let's stop feeling sorry for ourselves. It's not attractive."

-Angelica Houston, Darjeeling Limited

Jose Ramirez

Jose Ramirez is not just a phlebotomist at Tower Oncology, he is the phlebotomist. I feel the need to share a little about this phenomenal man with you and all that he has done for me. He truly is a remarkable human being. First of all, he never misses an IV start. It's pretty incredible. He gets your vein on the first shot, every time. Legend has it at Tower that he once started an IV in the dark! Another one echoed is that he could start an IV on a tomato! Yes, he is that incredible and needless to say, always very busy at Tower. Besides his meticulousness, he did something else for me which I can never forget. He gave me strength when I needed it the most. You see, I never got a port because in the beginning of my diagnosis, I was only supposed to only get 4 treatments and due to my young age, we figured that my veins could handle it (I later went on to have 6 treatments because I passed up radiation for more chemo--more about this for another post). However, the very first day of chemo, I was overwhelmed with a combination of fear, anxiety, stress and mostly, a deep sadness. I felt lost. I felt like I needed to show everyone that I was strong, however I didn't feel an ounce of strength. After Dr. Dunhill did her examination, I had a moment to myself in the exam room with my boyfriend, Elijah. We both just sat there. Afraid. Speechless. I just could not muster up the courage to walk through the door and to the treatment area. And I could tell that my dear Elijah felt just as lost. So I did what I resort to whenever I feel this dispirited: I started to cry. Tears kept flowing over and running down my cheeks. There was no stopping them. Elijah too. He had them coming down his cheeks. And then, before I knew it, Jose popped his head in the room and simply asked "Is everything OK in here?" and stepped into the room. How he knew to come in is beyond me, for I turned my back to him immediately and told him I was fine but just "needed a minute." Unknown to me at the time, however, was just how badly I did need Jose at that very moment. He sat me down and asked me what the matter was. I told him everything: my fears, concerns, sadness, you name it. I even mentioned my apprehensiveness with needles and the fear that my IV wouldn't be solid and the chemo would leak into my arm and cause damage (did I mention I have a very vivid imagination). He immediately told me "I never miss a vein, so your fear about the chemo leaking can be put aside." Then he looked me straight in the eyes very steadily and said the most important thing that I have learned from this entire experience: "Life is life, and whatever comes your way, you just have to roll with it." I suddenly snapped out of my head-space and realized that he was right. Life is life. And granted, you cannot control what happens, so when life happens, you might as well roll with it the best you can.  My tears dried up instantly. Elijah looked like he had a wave of relief wash over his face too. Then Jose told me that no matter how busy things got, he would always make time for me to start my IV so that I need not worry. He has held to that ever since. And the most amazing thing about all of this, is he is the most modest man. I have to say I tell him I love him every time I see him, and to that, he just smiles and gives me the biggest hug. After he started my IV that day, and left the room, I was able to grab Elijah's hand and walk through the door for my first infusion. Calmly, confidently and at peace, I learned a life lesson that day. I dedicate this post to Jose Ramirez, a master at his craft and a guru in disguise...

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Photo courtesy of Elle

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

When you least expect it...

Sometime, when you least expect it, a friend will show up on your doorstep with a bouquet of carrots (for juicing of course!) and a pretty little envelope filled with treasures. And perhaps on that very same day, another friend will pick you up for dinner and take you to a cozy lil' restaurant to share good wine, a delicious dinner, and an incredibly nourishing heart-to-heart. The conversation will last late into the night and you will go home feeling love and inspiration and joy. It can shake off any feelings of negativity, doubt, or sadness. You might wake up anxious one day knowing that you have treatment, only to find that when you open your door, a friend has left you a copy of your very favorite magazine on the doorstep to take with you. Or maybe you get a card in the mail just to remind you how incredible you're doing and how much you're thought of and loved. Perhaps on a more emotional day, the person with you will know it and kiss you on the cheek so dearly so that you know everything is ok. Just remember to take it all in. So much love is all around you, me, always. It is to these individuals that I'd like to dedicate this post to. You guys have made all the difference in my recovery and have given me the strength to draw upon. My pillars. My Heavens. My loves. My heart thanks you.

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Photo courtesy of Punch Studio

"The gift you offer another person is just your being."

-Ram Dass

Colace & Miralax

This is definitely not the most elegant of subjects, however, I want to share as much as I can in hopes of helping, so here we go! One of the major side effects of chemotherapy is... (drum roll please) ...constipation. Not fun, nor a very graceful subject, I know. At first, I didn't really realize what constipation really entailed. That didn't last very long. I tried the natural approach in the beginning through my diet (hello grapes and cherries) and laxative herbal tea. That didn't last very long either and I desperately needed to find a solution. Here is what worked and continues to work for me: Miralax in the morning, and Colace (I actually use Phillips' Stool Softener) at night. This seems to do wonders. I take both for the first week after treatment, and then alternate every other day with one or the other until my next treatment. I've been doing this about three quarters of my treatments and so far so good. I hope that this helps. (Always check with your doctor before taking anything).

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Photo courtesy of Robert Doisneau

"Whenever something starts, it's the right time.

Whomever shows up is exactly who should show up.

Whatever happens is the only thing that could happen.

When it's over, it's over."

-Arlene Butler

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Photo courtesy of A.P.C.

"Waking up this morning, I smile.

Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.

I vow to live fully in each moment

and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion."

-traditional Buddhist gatha

Food for Thought

I try my best to help my body heal from within with healthy food. If chemo is running through my veins, I might as well do what I can to restore my body, right? That is something I have been very aware of. I try to see it from a holistic point-of-view. So I even got a juicer and have been juicing, along with trying to eat organic, fresh food. Oh, and in case you were not aware, stay away from grapefruit ANYTHING during your treatment. Also, here is a little link to help you with some of the most healthy things to eat out there, but remember, as with everything, check with your doctor if you are not sure about certain foods. The bottom line is this: your body needs nutrition, especially when going through chemo/radiation, so feed yourself. If mac-n-cheese is all you crave, then eat that (and do not, I repeat do not feel guilty about this). But if you can handle some extra veggies or maybe some pomegranate juice here and then, why not? Your body will greatly appreciate it!

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Graphic by Lili

"...the present moment is the only moment in which we can be alive."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

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Photo by Lili

Dreamy California

But It's Not Fair!

Remember way back at the beginning of this blog I mentioned not bothering with the "Why me?" I read a little something to that effect in a wonderful book called The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. 

"In our daily life, problems invariably arise. But problems themselves do not automatically cause suffering. If we can directly address our problem and focus our energies on finding a solution, for instance, the problem can be transformed into a challenge. If we throw into the mix, however, a feeling that our problem is 'unfair,' we add an additional ingredient that can become powerful fuel in creating mental unrest and emotional suffering. And now we not only have two problems instead of one, but that feeling of 'unfairness' distracts us, consumes us, and robs us of the energy needed to solve the original problem."

Breathe Easy

One of the side effects that comes along with chemo is that you get super sensitive to scents. Not really fun. I start getting a bit nauseated now just walking into the treatment center, and that's because of the way it smells. Plus, things like the alcohol cleansing pads, the flushes, even the way my urine smells during and after treatment get to me. That is why I have to tell you about: Origins Peace-of-Mind sensory therapy. It works wonders! Originally used to alleviate headaches and body tensions naturally, I decided to put a drop of the lotion under my nose and TADA! No more bad smells! This little lotion seriously delivers a rush of scent, including calming mint and soothing rosemary. It totally does the trick for me and now whenever I go to treatment, I always bring it along with me (fits in my pocket)!

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Photo courtesy of W magazine

"If you use one perfume all the time, you don't smell it anymore. 

Then you put on too much, and people faint."

-Karl Lagerfeld

Hair Ties

Photo courtesy of Cheri Messerli

Probably one of the scariest things when one first hears the word chemo is the immediate thought of losing one's hair. Our hair is such a big part of everyday life, such a big part of our image. However, don't run out and shave your head immediately. First of all, hair lost is not mandatory. It doesn't affect everyone. My friend Jason went through 4 cycles of chemotherapy and got away with only slight thinning of the hair (barely noticeable). I did go out and get a cute short haircut that I always wanted to try during my 2nd cycle, however, because I figured if I did lose my hair, I didn't want to lose long locks of it. I could handle short pieces of hair falling out much better! So go out and have fun! Get a wild short haircut! After my 4th cycle of chemotherapy, my hair was really thin (again, it took 4 cycles to thin it out to the point of considering shaving it), so my amazing boyfriend and I decided to go all the way and shave both of our heads (did I mention how incredible he is...he had 12 inches of hair)!! And you know what, it was liberating!! We had so much fun, and the fact that he did it for me and with me made me feel that much more powerful. Honestly, I love it (it's still shaved right now). It feels so incredible to take a shower and scrub my scalp. And riding my bike and feeling the breeze against my scalp is downright magnificent! And, I also bought a wig. You can get some really fabulous wigs made out of real hair for really reasonable prices, plus most wig shops will give you a discount if you mention that you are going through chemo. It's a win-win. Plus it takes a matter of minutes to get ready now. Pretty cool. Be proud of your shaved head. Carry yourself with the esteem of having overcome one of the biggest fears people can imagine. You have crossed over a threshold that many people in their lifetime will never experience. It truly sets you apart. And for those days that you don't feel like thinking of your shaved head, wear that fabulous wig and carry on, chin up!

Wellness Community

If you live in or near Los Angeles, there is an incredible place called The Wellness Community that offers free programs for people with cancer and their families. The programs offered are absolutely wonderful, including yoga, Chi Gong, T'ai Chi, strength training, relaxation/visualization and meditation just to name a few. TWC also hosts weekly support groups and networking groups. It truly has been a blessing to have. I especially recommend the restorative yoga class, taught by Sonya. This class continues to make a significant impact on my recovery. Sonya is a master at her craft, and talks you through every gentle pose made to restore nutrients to your body, replenish energy, and calm the mind. She ends the class with some very encouraging words: "May you carry the inner peace you have within you everywhere you go, in all that you say, and in all that you do." Thank you Sonya.

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Photo courtesy of W magazine

"It's very hard to grow, because it's difficult to let go of the models 

of ourselves in which we've invested so heavily."

-Ram Dass

Hazel

I met the most inspiring woman this week. Her name is Hazel. She is a beautiful, radiant, cancer survivor with a true gusto for life. She recovered from a brain cancer that had spread to her spinal cord, and is doing incredibly well. So well in fact, that she had a few things to say that made me feel so good inside, my whole week was made! Hazel mentioned that during cancer (and even after) we are not really "ourselves." Due to this fact, it is really important to be easy on ourselves. If you find yourself sleeping in til' noon (I can raise my hand here), that's perfectly ok! If your body doesn't look quite the same as before the whole cancer ordeal, just let your body be. If you're napping all the time, go ahead and embrace those naps. If you don't have the energy to talk on the phone, don't. You see, you can address all that stuff once you move past the cancer. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing things you do not want to or try and tell you that you are lazy. Impossible!! If you're fighting to live, you're fighting really hard. Really, really hard. Healing is a full time job. So just let yourself be. Now is not the time to judge or be hard on oneself. And Hazel mentioned one more thing that I thought was really important, she said "It ain't over til it's over." How true that rings. Don't ever give up or lose hope. Nothing is ever over until it really is over. So keep your chin up and fight, fight, fight!!!

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   Photo courtesy of W magazine.

"When we're resting in Awareness, we see that all the forms 

of the Universe are really, in their essence, just one."

        -Ram Dass

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Photo courtesy of A.P.C.

"Go full speed ahead with whatever it is that excites you most in life." 

 -Takashi Murakami

Checklist

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't know what to do first (or what to do at all!). Here is a little list that I hope can be of help:

1) Let the news sink in. Take a couple of days to let your mind and body absorb the news (this is not meant to sound new age-y, but rather helpful in terms of getting thoughts together and emotions out). When you feel ready, share the news with the people you want to share with.

2) Consider getting in touch with a therapist/mentor. Make an appointment. Thanks to my weekly meeting with my mentor, I got to release, share, cry, shout, laugh, question, find comfort and peace of heart and mind (even if for only that hour). 

3) Start looking into finding a team: an oncologist/hematologist and make appointments! Visit at least 2 different doctors so that you can see who you feel the most comfortable with. If you really do not know where to start, ask recommendations from any of your other doctors (even your dentist!). If you live in the Los Angeles area, I highly recommend Tower Hematology & Oncology. They are an exceptional team of doctors who treat you with the utmost care. If you still are not sure where to start looking for an oncologist, check in with the nearest hospital. And lastly, the web is a wonderful resource. 

4) After finding an oncologist, you are going to need to get some testing done so that you can be staged. Remember, take it one day at a time. The CAT/PET scan is not painful or invasive at all. I try to treat it as a spa-like experience, then reward myself with a big meal afterwards. Testing might also include a bone marrow biopsy (yes, this is painful and invasive but you'll get through it), an echograph of your heart (not invasive nor painful) and a pulmonary function test (not painful; think scuba diving and blowing out candles for an extended amount of time). Insist on getting a copy of all of these results for your own files, along with copies of any blood work drawn. 

5) If your oncologist recommends radiation as part of treatment, set up an appointment with the radiation oncologist. It's another team member that you should be familiar with and comfortable with!

6) Go out and buy a couple of folders: I recommend at least 2 folders, one for copies of test results and any pertinent information regarding treatment, and the other folder for bills and health insurance information and receipts. I also recommend buying a journal to jot down any questions that come up, dates, important numbers, and maybe just a daily entry on how you're doing (I use mine to sketch sometimes).

7) Call your health insurance to see what is covered and to discuss any questions that you might have. 

8) If you can take time off of work, do it. Allow time for yourself to heal and be present with all that is happening. It's a lot to deal with. Period. Check to see if you qualify for disability (human resources at your oncologists office can assist with this). 

9) Don't waste any time wondering "Why me?" No one does anything to deserve this, it's not karma, it's not about luck. It just is. All you can do is move forward and take things day by day, moment by moment. It's time to simply roll with it.

The Importance of Family & Friends

Photo courtesy of A.P.C.

One of the most important things that has come from this experience for me is the major role that my family & friends have played. The bottom line is this: the people who truly love and care about you show up. They are there up to bat for you, swinging their hardest. It has been the most remarkable thing to experience; incredibly moving and fulfilling to the brim. And it is our job to let the love in. I can honestly say that I have never felt more love in my life than right now. It has been floating along by my side, helping my spirits stay high and keeping my focus bright. So let those who love you, love you. Let them help if and when needed. And do not waste any time on anybody who is not present to love you, especially during this hard time. Surround yourself with positive, radiant and nurturing energy. It truly makes all the difference. 

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Photo courtesy of A.P.C.

"Until we know that we can bear the unbearble, we're always running scared."

                                                                                -Ram Dass

Roll With It

Photo courtesy of A.P.C.

I've finally gotten everything together to put up my blog and it feels really great. My name is Lili and I just wanted to share with anyone who has been affected by Hodgkins, be it directly, family-related, or maybe your friend has just been diagnosed, the experience I've had and continue to have. Although now a cancer survivor, I am still finishing up with treatment. I've been meaning to put this together for a very long time now. Before I post anything more, just a couple of things: I'm not a doctor, a healer, or an expert. I am a 28 year old artist who had the shock of her life when diagnosed with Hodgkins the day after her 28th birthday! Needless to say it has been a strange and beautiful experience; I've felt just about every emotion in the book, have gone through a bunch of tests, have done a ton of reading, and have come to the conclusion that maybe I can be of help to someone out there going through this. I am still me, and what I mean by that is I still embrace art and beauty, hence the images I'm going to post, the poetry, the blogs etc. I'd like to share words and beauty. Cancer is such a scary thing, such a scary process; I'd like to make this blog different. Please leave your comments! Let me know what you think. All we can ever really do is roll with it...